#thinking about missing class again
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I think a lot of Vulcans are like the “you’ve come to me with a problem, first instinct is to fix it” type to a more extreme, especially if the problem involves emotions
So when I imagine scenarios of like. a Vulcan going to the restroom during a fancy party and seeing an attractive Human crying in it, and it turns out they don’t see themselves as attractive because their date keeps complimenting everyone else a ton but only told them “nice outfit” and it got to them
And the Vulcan is just like “I have to fix this” and they start thinking of the problem like ‘Human thinks they’re unattractive > they aren’t so nothing can be done to their appearance to make them feel better > they feel unattractive because of their date > they need a better date’ and they just tell the Human “I am your date now, I will tell you how attractive you are without excessively complimenting others so that you feel inferior, so you will no longer have to experience this emotional turbulence”
And they just walk back to their table with a cute Human on their arm who looks like they were crying but is now beaming, getting together speedrun
#star trek#humans#vulcans#thinking about missing class again#I have a friend who takes the class who can share notes with me#but it’s a macroeconomics class#and I’m terrible at economics#so I’m wary about missing it#but I also hate having coughing fits in class
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Does anyone remember that ONE Captain Underpants book where George and Harold messed with fucking time travel and met their future selves who were married with kids and had successful careers as comic book creators or was that a fever dream?


I like to imagine that in the canon universe the new Dog Man movie was initially drafted and submitted by George and Harold as a concept, thinking it wouldn’t be accepted but wanting to give it a shot anyways.
⬇️ This was the wildest thing ever to my 11 year old brain btw. So wild that I didn’t even register that Harold is canonically gay.



#I love thinking about the Captain Underpants cinematic universe because it makes absolutely no sense and also perfect sense all at once#the implications that Melvin in the future technically goes fucking MISSING after he suffered a life altering car crash#because he was busy playing megalomaniac back in time at their elementary school#(if we are to believe what happens in the show is also canon)#can you imagine not seeing your elementary school class know-it-all for over like 20 smth years#and then seeing him again at the fucking supermarket as a burnt out half cyborg#anyways I think we should think about Adult George and Harold having adventures too because it would be so fun#the wild adventures of men pushing 30#my favorite#my art#captain underpants#dog man#george beard#harold hutchins#dogman#dogman movie
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She scare on my crow till I hroo hraa [explodes]
Below the cut is the image, but without the textures and color overlays!
#luckride's fanart#tw eyestrain#to be safe wkdnwkdk#batman the audio adventures#btaa#btaa scarecrow#btaa jonathan crane#dc scarecrow#jonathan crane#I missed Halloween but in my brain November is just Halloween 2 do its okay lmao#anyways I've been thinking about this fucking guy again/pos#by far not my best work but hey its something!!!#I also did this in a least 2 or 3 hours in between classes sofhwkdje
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Pole Out Boy and their missed calling in life (x) (Pete: (The new record's) definitely a lot sexier than the last one. Patrick: There's a lot more slinky outfits, and, you know, garter belts.)
#fob#fall out boy#pete wentz#patrick stump#fobedit#anni edits#no but like why is Pete SO good at this. has he been taking classes. genuinely think he missed his calling#the pole may not be for Patrick but he's doing his best#also. i really regret to tell you this. but after patrick jokes about the slinky outfits n garter belts.#its a little hard to make out but i'm p sure pete says 'the front of (the record)'s gonna have him wearing a diaper'.#uh. WHY was that the first thing that came to mind for you. what is wrong with you. NEVER speak to me again peter.
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some WIPs from the 80s AU i never finished
#so… hi#i think…. i might start making some stuff here soon#i’ve been gone a lot longer than i intended to be#& i feel a lil bad about it bc i really miss my boys & bein here & all that but#idk it’s just been a rough month#but i’m starting to get the itch to create again#i have a very silly idea for the mbz AU#i also just really want to draw some stuff#i miss making things. i’m going nuts. i’ve hardly done anything fun in WEEKS#i’ve sort of started working on some new OCs but ngl#doing anything that doesn’t involve dhes or kel genuinely feels like i’m betraying them#but i have a concept that i really want to explore so that’s what i’m trying to do#i have been working on a few AUs here & there too but#but mostly nothing fun#i need to do something fun while i still can bc i’m starting at uni next month#& i just know i’m gonna have shit for free time then#i’m taking all in person classes which makes me very nervous#i’m trying to be excited about it but mostly it’s just causing me anxiety lol#but anyway. um. yea. hopefully i’ll catch up on everything & reply to the tags/asks i’ve gotten since i’ve been gone#if i reply to something you said/sent to me a month ago… pls just act like that’s not weird. thanks.#rainyrambles
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drabbles about the deer imagery in The Secret History (specifically in relation 2 Camilla) because her becoming a deer/believing that she did stuck in my mind (although this post will mostly take Camilla and the other's recollection of events to be as they recount it – if i examine it in it's effect as an incorrect account, that would be in a separate post)
Obviously there's, on a meta level, an irony to it – Camilla and Charles are named to make fun of the Princess Diana scandal that was happening at the time, and so ironically Camilla transforms into an animal sacred to Diana.
There's also a parallel that I think could be interesting to make between Camilla and Taygete, who for anyone unfamiliar, was turned into a deer by Artemis to protect her from Zeus' sexual advances. Although I think that what happened in the Bacchae was concensual sexually, I think it could possible be indicative in Camilla's narrative role as the "wanted"/"desired" one within the greek class – by Charles, Henry, Richard (although he wasnt there) and even Francis, although he wants to be her more so than actually wanting her.
Additionally, outside of how it actually functions within the story, her transformation into a creature associated so closely with innocence, especially in relation to Diana/Artemis' virginity, might perhaps be tied to Richards view of her as this "pure" and "virginal" person – obviously we know this is far from the truth, and he himself learns this later, but I think it definitely ties into this flawed angelic idea of her he so covets.
I think this interpretation ties into the myth of Actaeon (in terms of "deer transformation myths") although its very interesting to me that they different at key points – Camilla, the "virginual" character, is the one transformed, rather than the sexual transgressor (Charles) or the one who introduces miasma (Henry). But, like Actaeon, she is pursued and hunted – which, another key point – Actaeon is pursued and killed by his own hunting dogs, and Charles returns from the ritual with a bite mark, perhaps tying him into the myth thurther?
#sillies sillies#gay people will really write 5 paragraphs of analysis about a book written in the nineties instead of studing#(talking about himself)#~350 words isnt much BUT i dont write much literature analysis 4 myself outside of class#so I'm quite happy with this#feel free 2 add stuff on 🫡 I'm more familiar with Homer's works (and bits of Ovid) than i am wider greek myths#so if im missing any interesting deer transformation myths let me know :D#LOVE carmilla. obviously as flawed as any character but she's so interesting 2 me#both of the twins are honestly. what the fuck was their childhoods like that made them like that#cause. we know bits and pieces about francis and Henry's childhoods#and obviously Richard's#but i feel like we know so little about the twin's...#anyways#the secret history#the kat speaks#camilla macaulay#charles macaulay#francis abernathy#henry winter#richard papen#again not tagging buns cause hes not in here#although i wanna talk about his youth imagery @ some point#he's very Paris 2 me /pos#LOATH henry (ik hes as complex as the rest of them but he just rubs me up the wrong way. dont even hate him 4 the murder) but i really wish#i could hear his opinions on the character of the iliad#WHAT DID HE THINK OF PANDARUS. my boy my love#asshole in my class civ class who's name is very similar 2 henry's called him stupid... arse#he literally ticks every box of the homeric hero whats not to love#anyways. absolutely ESSAY of a post and tags#soz guys
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the way that even in early usa, extended families often lived together or within walking distance
the idea that each nuclear family should have its own house, own appliances, own everything and that adult children should move out at 18 is a relatively recent post-WWII, suburbanization-era invention
and it just so happens to be highly profitable
#segmentation of the customer even#this is why charming acres and 1950s features the way it does#1950s popularized the image of the self-contained upwardly mobile nuclear family#the game is rigged#extended family living was increasingly framed as backward immigrant or rural#suburban nuclear family became a national identity project and it survives in marketing materials and specific targeted consumerism#consumerism Cold War ideology and gender roles (housewife breadwinner etc.)#bc from a business perspective splitting extended families into individual homes was a gold mine#not owning a home not having a perfect family unit needing help from relatives staying with your parents past 18#or relying on community all became loaded with stigma#the use of words like codependent and socially incestuous applied liberally furthered the agenda#pop psychology gets over applied#they’re often over-applied in contexts where people are simply staying close surviving together or choosing mutual care#what gets labeled as pathology is not weird at all and historically common and culturally valid… it’s just not as profitable#making them question bonds that may be loving supportive and necessary#thinking about this a lot being more embedded in an extended network again#anyway spn does this well!#abusing the lower class then calling them Weird for huddling together when upper classes are in fact the ones who are flagrantly nepotism#when in fact upper class is Weirder and 9-10 times the one salivating over the Idea is upper class#i feel like if you miss this you miss Everything#surburbia is weird and isolating on purpose
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Thinking about that mural from DE
You know which one
TRUE LOVE IS POSSIBLE ONLY IN THE NEXT WORLD, FOR THE NEW PEOPLE. IT IS TOO LATE FOR US. WREAK HAVOC ON THE MIDDLE CLASS
The next world mural. In the game, you encounter this piece very early on if you interact with everything available, you probably see this mural before you've ever even heard of Dora or before you've started to get really serious about your commie tendencies, if that's how you choose to play. And the reaction is like, "wow, this is kinda profound actually". Or maybe it's like, "oh lol, this game really is commie af isn't it" (even though later on it turns out that the game is much more critical of communism than you'd think at first). And the story in the ledger provides some insight into Harry and Jean and how they work together too, so it feels like it makes sense, it fits in very well at that moment in the game and that's it.
But looking back at this mural after you've played through the entire game, knowing what you know of Harry's relationship with Dora...
It's Harry's own fucking love story in a way, isn't it?
Him and Dora came from very different backgrounds. He's genuinely poor, grew up checking the trash cans on the streets for tare and edible food, spent his teenage years running around with a bunch of kids who all OD'd or got themselves killed one way or another over the years. He had dreams of getting an education, getting a chance to use his creativity and curiosity and learn about all that that is worth exploring in this world (which is everything), but those dreams are long dead. She's solidly middle class, with access to all the education and art and music he's always dreamt of, with her family to always fall back on. She's everything Harry's ever dreamt of growing up. She might as well be living in another world.
They fall in love with each other and she moves to Jamrock to live with him. Jamrock, the biggest fucking ghetto in Revachol, full of tweakers and gangsters and just thousands upon thousands of poor people permanently down on their luck trying to get by, with no proper aid or government and a police station so understaffed and underfunded they never even stood a chance. And they can barely make ends meet even living in Jamrock, moving from shithole to shithole, never knowing when they'll have their electricity cut, when something will happen that gets them thrown out, desperately scrambling for a new place to stay. And Dora could never do that, not really - she never actually lived in Jamrock, she always had the possibility of leaving, of going to work across the river and visiting her parents whenever she felt like it or just escaping, packing her shit and getting on the tram and never going back. And as long as she knew she wasn't really, truly stuck in this miserable shithole forever, she wasn't ever really living in Jamrock. And it could never be enough for her.
And she wanted more - for herself, for Harry, for their family, who even knows. Maybe she saw Harry struggling trying and failing to make a difference as a gym teacher and thought he could do more good with the RCM. Maybe she was getting desperate, living in this fucking shithole, and thought they needed more money. Maybe it was something completely else - but what is certain is that Harry ended up joining the RCM, and the 41st, and everyone there is on speed, everyone is miserable and desperate and always running behind playing catch up with the case load, with the crimes, with the drug addicts and rapists and murderers, and Harry, who's always been like this close to a genuine mental breakdown, just fucking falls apart. He needs to help people, needs to make a difference, and working at the 41st, with the budget and case load and staffing situation and the pure fucking misery in the area. He goes out and meets a miserable person after a miserable person and he can't do anything else than be nice, make their day a little bit more manageable, do his best- but he knows that no matter what he does, his best won't be enough. He won't be able to make a dent in the pure fucking misery that is Jamrock. But he needs to, so he drinks, he smokes, he does drugs, he loses any semblance of control he ever had over the voices in his head, the dude telling him to hit shit and the dude telling him to forget everything and just get fucked up and Revachol herself screaming at him about her imminent death. And in the end Dora can't stand it anymore and she leaves (and, honestly, good for her. I'm happy for her. But this is about Harry, and Harry isn't, he isn't able to be happy for her at this point in time).
And like. I personally doubt that she'd have left just because of the money if everything else was good. I honestly even doubt that the money was that big of an issue for her to start with, it was all the other issues first and then the fact that they couldn't even rent a fucking VHS and play it at times became just one more thing on top of this already massive pile of shit that broke the proverbial camel's back. But in Harry's mind, he was never rich enough for her. She was always the middle class girl who settled for the poor fuck, and he was never gonna be good enough for her because he was just a broke dude from Jamrock. She was perfect and so so beautiful and at one point her love was the only thing keeping him going, and then she left because he couldn't even
And from what we can see in the game she was the only person he's ever really, truly loved.
But in his mind, they could never be together again. They could try as they might, but it was never gonna work out, because she was a rich girl and he was just a poor miserable fuck. He grew up looking for change on the streets, she took piano lessons in a fancy part of town. The difference was just too large to ever truly be bridged.
So for post-breakup Harry, prior to Martinaise and even during the events in Martinaise, true love was never actually possible. It is possible only for the new people, in the next world. It was too late for him - he had his chance, and it was an impossible thing, it could never have worked out and now he's wasted it. Because of the inherent differences between different social classes. It is too late for him. So yeah, fuck it, wreak havoc on the fucking middle class. Fuck those rich bastards who took Dora from him, and fuck Dora too.
On another note, this was also one of the most recent cases him and Jean worked on prior to Martinaise. I don't remember the date exactly, but it was in his last ledger, it must have been pretty recent. Do you think he saw the mural and thought about it the same way I did? Maybe this was the one that truly pushed him over the edge? The impossible love. It truly was too late for him. The only way to fix it is a new fucking start. And how do you get that?
After life - death. After death - life again.
#disco elysium#harry du bois#harrier du bois#dora ingerlund#DE#herr's personal tag#next world mural#when first playing the game I didn't even really stop to think about the middle class line#the love part of the mural honestly felt very powerful to me#and I opened the compartment and read the letter right afterwards#so i had a lot to think about in addition to just this#anyway#this is more of a “what if” rant than any actual metaanalysis#our story about Dora is extremely influenced by Harry's point of view#but at the same time#every design decision in this game is deliberate#or most of them anyway#is this something the game designers were actually thinking of when designing the mural?#was that an intentional decision on their side?#or is it just me reading too much into random shit while missing important details elsewhere again?#who knows#midnight rant
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Oh, I see. You and all your little friends are just too DUMB to understand. Too low IQ. The arguments sure is convincing.
I’m not kidding they really are saying somewhere out there that Kripke couldn’t possibly understand what it means to be blue collar because to do that, you’d have to have read about the value of a linen coat (which is not directly related to any of this btw) from Marx’s Das Kapital. Kripke of course couldn’t possibly have read it, and if you haven’t read it, you can’t possibly understand anything about class. You have to have read Theory™️ to understand what it means to be *looks down my nose at people who I assume Have Not Read All The Books That I Did* blue collar *sips from tea cup with my pinky out, chortling*
#and like. all of this misses that sam and dean exist in the context of their story/universe#and that they are very clearly and repeatedly treated as low class/working class by people around them in universe (especially dean)#Anyway the original thing being said was that maybe when people make extreme assumptions about dean...#it’s tied to their perception of him as low class in the context of his universe and/or ours#Saying people who (you assume) haven't read the theories you have are Too Stupid And Uneducated to understand#what it means to experience stereotyping based on class is a self callout lending to the original point being made...#AKA you like to make assumptions about people based on classist stereotyping. you told all of us that with your whole chest.hope this helps#Add that the value of a linen coat is an example in Das Kapital known to have been written in an overcomplicated manner#(even Marx himself acknowledged this)#that's especially hard for modern readers to grasp (also limiting it's use value—see what i did there—as a metaphor for a modern show)#and that it relates to theories on the value of COMMODITIES which has little to NOTHING to do with what we're talking about in of itself#and the pretentiousness of mentioning that in particular as a show of Kripke's alleged educational deficiencies just bleeds off every pore.#pony tail guy from the "how 'bout them apples” scene in Good Will Hunting demanding regurgitation of irrelevant info type behavior#“hee hee if you asked him about the value of a linen coat he'd shrivel” *chortles again in degree i think makes me superior*#real “he doesn't know about the three seashells” energy for some complete stranger. But like if you also didn't know#what the seashells were for and walked around with poop running down your legs all of the time#Like jesus fucking christ you people are insufferable.#mail
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I realised that I never really post any traditional art so here's some things I made this month.
Lately I've been drawing with an ink pen I found in my room (I don't know how old it is but it works so that's cool). I'm really into drawing these weird planets/orbs with it because honestly it's just really relaxing and I guess it's almost like stimming to me? I recommend it.
I've also been working on improving designs of my ocs and doing some worldbuilding so there's a few drawings of Diphy here.
#im a bit insecure about my traditional art#because ive gotten really out of practice#i took a break from it after i finished my portfolio this year#its been tough getting back to it when art school started#but i think im getting the hang of it again#also my art professor whos sort of taking care of my class (?) (idk what its called at uni) really loved my drawings#so im very proud that he liked them because hes an awesome guy#i missed drawing my ocs also..#difcia my beloved tesknilam za toba#art#traditional art#original characters#muscariart#muscariocs
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if nothing else, double exposure has awoken inside me the idea of "divorced dad energy" max caulfield. drawings of this idea to come.
#timesdostalk#i think it'd be really funny if max showed up to her classes and very visibly just got done crying for 40 minutes#on the verge of tears trying to teach students proper lighting in photography#“oh god here comes miss caulfield again everyone try and be nice to her so she doesn't start crying about her ex-wife”#life is strange
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idk why i’m so weird about my main blog it’s not like i’m too secretive about it since it’s in my intro (not the pinned) post if people decide to look through it (which i don’t really 100% expect from everyone so i get it if people aren’t aware) but it just looks like i’m hiding it for no reason 😭
anyways, all this to say i’m finally explicitly shouting out my main @scint1llat3 (where i follow/interact from) if you want a barrage of random queued reblogs 24/7 (<- exaggerating. mostly.) bc i reblog anything i find mildly interesting— (sorry mutuals/followers who are already currently there 😭)
+ also more importantly i have another side blog @llizsch for non-fanart and old art, and bc art fight is coming up i’m reposting all my previous art fight art there if anyone’s interested (i’ll be joining art fight this year too btw!! i’ll make a more proper post about this after the team reveal 😤) (and i don’t mind interactions with my old art since i’m still pretty happy with them!! there’s a reason why they’re being reposted)
also semi-related tangent, it’s nice seeing in the notifs people finding a lot of my old art in this blog these past days, thank you 😭💖 even if it’s also just silent like-reblog spam, that all really cheered me up
ANYWAYS. NO PRESSURE. JUST IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED 🙏
#[—✦ rambling#maybe i’ll finally decide to put my main blog on this blog’s pinned or desc 😭#this blog’s overdue for that semi-overhaul i go through every month anyway ;;;#ALSO IM BACK. YIPPEE(?)#hope yall appreciated the pride posting while i was gone ;;;#(<- it’s still not over)#i gotta make use of this one free week i have#finals are over but i’ve subjected myself to 10wks of summer classes starting next week 🙏#anyways#i guess im just weird about the main blog bc i preferred for it to be for people who are more interested in me as a person-#-besides / in addition to what i do in this blog#but it’s been bothering me forever that people may think i dont interact outside this blog 😭#and that a lot of people may not know we’re mutuals by proxy of this blog#which. kinda feels silly to think about but i can’t help it </3#again no pressure!! 🫶#i think it’ll finally ease my mind just by putting this out there#and to friends/mutuals who sees this i’ll slowly respond to all messages/mentions/replies after i sleep#i’ve been really drained and tired lately so i’ve been incredibly slow i’m sorry 😭#i also posted this at a weird time so i’ll rb again the morning if i even remember#after this it’s back to ur regularly scheduled shenanigans (hopefully)#especially bc stitch event rerun and i wanna catch up with a lot of things i missed 😤
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I just started a new semester, and I'm finally getting the chance to take Malayalam, which I've been trying to do since my undergrad. This is obviously a very exciting development, and it's so delightful to be in a language class again for the first time in ages, but it's also been a very unique experience as far as language classes go. First of all, for me, who is generally used to having very odd personal connections to a language and being the overachieving linguist of the class. And second of all because it's just a very different experience to be in a class largely oriented towards heritage learners and people with some cultural familiarity.
There are five people in the class. Of those five, four have Malayalee family and have had some exposure to Malayalam throughout our lives; the last person is a native speaker of another non-Dravidian South Asian language. Of the four of us who are Malayalee, I'm basically the only one who didn't have a significant amount of Malayalam at home growing up. What this means is that we've spent very little time on the phonetics of the language, because everyone roughly knows how to pronounce it - something which wouldn't be true if there were non-South Asian in the class! (It was a bit comforting to hear all the other Malayalees struggling with aspirated consonants, which have constantly been the bane of my existence, and then to hear the instructor say that few people pronounce them right in spoken Malayalam anyways.) The instructor could ask us to say things on the first day, and the more fluent speakers could say them. There is already Malayalam being mixed in with the instruction. I'm sure by the end of the semester we'll be having extended conversations - especially since the two of us who don't speak have very concrete communicative desires for our outside lives.
It's also a very scary experience for me, personally. Or maybe scary isn't quite the right word, but I've always felt out of my depth in claiming Malayalee heritage - I've always felt that there were so many things which I didn't know which any normal Malayalee would. There is no evidence that this is true, at least insofar as that my cousins with two Malayalee parents have wildly varying experiences and I'm not actually that far outside the norm. In most American spaces, I will never be clocked as white, and most people usually immediately identify me as South Asian. Nonetheless, I know that when I visited Kerala this past December, I was decidedly foreign - to the two guys speaking in rapid-fire Malayalam on the flight from Qatar, to the person at the immigration counter in Trivandrum, even to my own relatives. Part of it is a mental block on my part, of feeling myself foreign and therefore never letting myself belong. Part of it is that I am, ultimately, American. But either way, in this class, I can feel that I'm the American in the room, even when I'm not, even when my pronunciation is just as good as the other Malayalees and there's nothing that's telling me I can't belong. I keep freezing up when asked to say real things, or when people speak to me, because there's some unreachable standard in my brain of Not A Real Malayalee, and everything feels fraught and fragile. So maybe this semester will be about overcoming that.
It's still strange being in a language class where the instructor, on the first day, can look at you all and say, "You know why you're here, you want to be here, we all have a shared experience." But it's also a beautiful thing in its own way, and I'm really looking forward to taking on a language in this way. I love the structure and the logic of language, the puzzle of putting it together, the beauty of making friends in it and watching shows in it and listening to songs in it - but as I get older I find myself really reflecting on what it means to learn and to know a language. And sometimes those barriers to learning and to knowing are only in our minds, not in our worlds. Language is communication and connection, and I hope that Malayalam serves me to these two ends, even as it sometimes feels like a trial by fire at each word.
#it's really really lovely getting to study language again in a class setting i forgot how much i missed it#i've definitely been getting a lot more intentional about my language-learning in the last few years though#malayalam is always a challenge for me personally but i'm working on it and i think in that process it'll help me with other languages too#the more you dive into learning heritage languages though the more you realize that no one else feels like they're enough either#and there is beauty in that#anyways. i'll leave this at that. i do have some other malayalam material from my trip in december that i never posted#but we'll see if i ever manage to get around to that idk#malayalam:general
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Honestly the worst thing about being raised by and around professors is that I can't really do the whole students bitching about professors thing even when I mostly agree with it, because my whole life I have been hearing the professor's side of the story. Every time someone talks about how ridiculous mandatory attendance or participation is there's a part of me that starts loudly protesting about how actually being in class is really important for learning, and it must be so hugely frustrating for the professor when students just don't show up to your class half the time and then when they do show up they're playing sudoku on their computer.
#dylan says things#and I say this as someone who historically has not been great about attendance due to things both in and outside of my control#and I know disabilities are a factor for a lot of people and I'm not saying they shouldn't be accommodated.#but I've had professors who have done truly so much to make it possible to attend their class. like you can go in person and on zoom#and a lotta wiggle room for making up missed classes#and people will still complain about it#and most of the time these things are only like 5-10% of your grade#and at a certain point it's like dude you're literally paying to go to school#and now you're complaining that you have to go to school and do school things#if you stop giving them all your money they will stop asking you do the thing you're paying to do#and again I am not exempt from this getting to my morning class is fucking impossible a lot of the time#and that sudoku thing in the main post was absolutely a self-callout#but like. idk. Professors are not evil they are people who are trying to do their jobs#anyways. I think I often find that my attitude towards academia is not aligned with my friends#like sometimes people will tell me that it doesn't really matter that much as long as i graduate#and I understand the sentiment and largely agree with it but also at the end of the day I want to like. Learn stuff and do good work#anyways. sorry for my weird rambling i just have a lot of thoughts about university that i never really share with anyone
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#cat creech#cat creech is my vent tag i think. block it if you don’t want my venting#venting in these tags pls ignore this post if you don’t want to read vent#I feel like I don’t care about stories enough. I don’t read books watch movies or shows#the games I play I’ve already played before or have no story at all. I feel childish and trapped in familiarity#if I could slightly different versions of the same story over and over again I’d be happy. I don’t need stories at all it seems.#I even avoid it often. would opt for comedy or something baseless over a story.#and I wouldn’t be upset over this if I didn’t major in animation#I don’t want to be a director I don’t want to be a writer I don’t want to be in charge of story#but this stupid fucking school makes you do every part of the pipeline. I don’t read or watch anything so unsurprisingly my story is boring#my story for my thesis I mean. it’s uninspiring I’m not proud of it. and it’s changed so much from where it was in the beginning#it doesn’t even feel like mine anymore. I don’t like it and it’s not mine. I don’t want anything to do with it#and I think I realized that being a storyteller means having lessons to tell people or experiences to share#I don’t have either of those things. my life is uninteresting and I don’t learn from my mistakes. my mistakes themselves are boring#all my issues are boring and privileged. no one needs a story or lesson from me. what the fuck can I say that hasn’t been said#and even if I did have a story to tell I don’t want to? I don’t care to teach people or share my experience. that’s never been what art-#-was about for me. art is a selfish escape for me. nothing more. nothing artsy feely or intellectual. ‘why do you draw’ idk it’s fun#I remember old classes where people answered why theyre artists. everyone had interesting answers and here i was-#- I said because it’s fun. like a fucking childish moron. never should have pursued art as a job. you have to want to be an artist to make-#a living from it. I don’t want to be an artist. I just am one as a byproduct of drawing. not the same thing.#I don’t even want to fucking animate anymore. I don’t know what the fuck happened to me but I hate it I hate it so much#I miss when making art wasn’t a task or a job or homework. I really fucking do#I’m tearing up#anyway#weasel speaks#vent
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#I keep seeing this one almost first friend that got away#she was there with me when we started and we shared three classes#I was so insecure and shy and just not there yet when I was at school and my overall with people#But she was like a ray of light#she was in her 40s but she did not act or seem that way at all#I thought she was in her 20s 😭#she was always so friendly and have these moments where she would laugh to herself#she was so nice and we got along well !!#She was the first person I wanted to be friends with and I never got to ask her#I honestly think we could’ve been#but I wasn’t brave enough and I thought maybe we might share another math class again#But I failed and now it’s too late#but I’ve been thinking about her a lot recently#I miss her#I thought I saw her and approached this woman but it wasn’t her#idk I guess I’m missing her#no im grieving the lost opportunity to have been friends and wished I could’ve asked her#we would’ve been great friends (:
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